Last
night was one crazy night. The Lord drew me in closer than he has ever before,
making me think methodically and logically through the questions I had. As I
went through the facts I knew in my head, I let them trickle down into my heart
and they broke me down. I started with the easy; that God is real, and he sent
his Son… then on to how he loves us and has proved it.
I then
asked if he really cares what we do, and of course that was a yes – and then
asked why I should listen to the things he’s commanded me? I found Deuteronomy
30 in a book nearby (completely by accident) and saw again a passage that broke
me. “See, I have set before thee this day life and good, and death and evil; In
that command thee this day to love the Lord thy God, to walk in his ways, and
to keep his commandments and his statutes and his judgments, that thou mayest
live and multiply; and the Lord they God shall bless thee in the land whither
thou goest to possess it.”
And I
saw that the Lord didn’t make it gray. I mean, oh my goodness, I knew this
before. But God really made it clear to me that he has NO GRAY SPOTS. He
doesn’t care what my struggles are, he doesn’t like the things I do! And the
reason why I should listen? Because he loves me and wants to bless me with an
abundant life! I mean, it’s odd that if anyone had come up and asked that
question to me, I would’ve answered that anyways. But for some reason it made
that trip down to my heart today.
Then my
question was “What made me think that that kind of life was attractive in the
first place? A life living in the gray area, assuming that the things I did
were okay? Did I really want those things? If I look at my life, what do I
really want to see?”
So I
flipped more through the pages of the book I had found and saw these different
passages that say “Who can stop us? Who can I be afraid of? Who can be against
us? Whom shall I fear?” And I begged the question; “Why can’t I let this sink
in?!”
I mean,
I thought about it methodically first. This is the God of the entire universe
here. He made the heavens and the earth
and all the wonders and treasures and amazing things and people and everything
in it. He had knowledge before time of all of time and lived in all of it at
once and lives it now. Outside of time and space, he can see all and know all
and yet still love me!
So why
was it that I couldn’t stop thinking about the fears I had? My own
reservations, the parts of my heart that I wouldn’t let him have? Even when
singing “All I am is yours,” my heart had its reservations and limits saying,
“Well other than that, I’m scared you’ll change something.” I really did want
to trust his plans! I was just afraid of his changing something in my life that
I didn’t want him to, or doing something that in the end, I don’t like and I’m
left alone in this world. I couldn’t throw my whole heart in the pot.
But
then again, what kind of logic is that? Take a look at my plans, and their
shattered remains. Every plan I ever make, every step I take on my own – they
never work out. I never gain the benefits, and I never find the ending, so why
do I bother making them and then even have the audacity to tell God not to mess
with them because somehow “I got this,”
I
struggled and struggled with the question of “Why can’t I just trust my God? I
know all of this head knowledge and if anyone came to me with questions the
answers would come so easy, with such well-crafted guidance and knowledge! Why
can’t it just sink in to me that my God loves me and wants the best for me, if
I would only give him the fake alternative??”
I
reached a place where I realized that I couldn’t leave that moment without
saying that I want exactly what God has for me, and that is all. I needed this.
I had to have this.
I
repented tonight, finally after long last, a full-on throw my heart in the pot
repentance – a re-dedication of my life. My life is no longer my own. God is my
leader, my daddy, my creator – and he wants the very very best for me, and that
is all.
Lord,
help me to keep this beautiful revival. Help me to hold on and strive after
you. Help whoever reads this to be diligent to pray for me. Help me to not walk
away from this experience and forget again. Help me to keep in your way and
always ask for your guidance.
I want
to move mountains with my faith, Lord. I love you, and thank you so much for
this beautiful night. Amen.
